I’ve been thinking a lot about Presence this week, you know being in the NOW and all that. We’ve been told over and over that being in the present moment is the key to happiness, enlightenment, and bliss.
Then why is it so dang hard?
My confession: even though I read the Power of Now back when it came out in 1999 and have always been a Big Fan, I have continued to struggle with living in the moment, try as I might.
You see, I have a VERY active brain. It chatters away at me, pulling me into planning (which I love) or telling me everything I’ve done wrong (which I hate) or having zillions of possible conversations with people (which usually don’t ever happen). And everything in between, really.
But as of late I’ve been feeling a pull that it is time for me to climb that vibrational staircase, get myself in a clearer headspace, and become more awake. I know this is the key to how I can be of more service to others, when I am able to let the truth flow in to be shared and ride the flow of the Universe, so to speak.
So there I am, trying to be Present as I take a shower, watching the water bead on the tile while I focus on how wonderful the hot water feels. This is my favorite thinking time. But I’m trying really hard not to think, but to Be There.
And then I think: do I really want to not think?
I mean, I am great thinker. I can think and think and think. And I do enjoy it. So it led me to ask myself - do I really want to stop thinking and be in the present moment All The Time? I mean, really. This is a serious question I needed to ask myself and find the answer. None of us should just follow advice blindly without finding out if it is right for us.
Because this would be a big life change, letting go of the past and the future. Of stopping feeling that frantic need to get things done to protect myself from some dire thing awaiting me. Or to discontinue pointing out all the ways I could be a better friend / daughter / sister / worker / coach / healer. Do I really want to let go of the constant reflection on my life?
Now the first argument that popped into my head was that in letting the voice in my head have free reign, I was subject to its abuse. Because, like most if not all of you, the voice in my head can be a real tyrant. It points out all my flaws - from how I look, to what I said wrong, to how whatever it is I’m working on is destined to fail. And it makes up stories about people being mad at me or judging me (I know - this has been tested when I found out things I fully believed were happening, were indeed, not at all happening).
But! I thought, maybe! Maybe I can get control over my thoughts so I only think neutral to good things. Ha! Yeah. Well. Maybe.
So I asked myself again, what is so wonderful about the present moment, that I should keep chasing after it? Or rather stop chasing after everything else?
Then I remembered a moment many years ago, where I was in a job I hated with a boss who was a real challenge, and I just said FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. And I completely Let Go. I just stopped worrying about everything and allowed myself to not care about anything. And in doing so I disconnected from the past, the future, from all expectations, and just came to settle in the Now.
It was transformative.
It was like the world shifted, and this deep peace came over me. Everything was GOOD. I was GREAT. Everything felt ALIVE. I felt alive. Everything seemed possible and nothing seemed like a problem. I was young and broke, but that didn’t matter. I just felt this immense support from everything around me.
And I was like, oh yeah, THAT feeling. Yep. That feeling is worth giving up all the thinking in the world.
I believe that feeling is the feeling we are all destined for, that is the game we are all playing - to eventually get to the point where we realize this drama we are in is just a story. And who we are is Everything, really.
Trust me, I get the irony that I’m THINKING all of this. And not being in the present moment at all.
So, I continue to work on it.
I have found engaging in that “let’s pretend” imagination - where I imagine there is no future (after all, there isn’t), and there is no past (after all there isn’t). And instead that all that exists is the present moment. I can do things that give a gift to the version of me in another moment (like exercising, or doing the dishes so that she can enjoy the results of that).
And when I catch myself thinking up a storm, I just look at what is in front of me and focus on what it is I’m really seeing. And when my mind starts to catastrophize or judge or start planning conversations with other people, I escape into the present moment.
Because whatever it is that I’m afraid of isn’t here in the present moment. And I’m hoping as long as I hide in the present moment, it will never find me.
♡ Jillian
